MUM'S THE WORD - FABLES OF FRIENDS
Our children enter wild landscapes every day of their lives.
School. Day care. Football clubs. Dance studios. Youth ministry. Children’s church. Every setting is a savannah of different habits, worldviews, norms, and influences.
My role as a mother is to build individuals who are capable of accurately surveying the landscape to confidently establish their place in it, while holding their own cultural DNA without compromise.
I have loved the challenge!
I have desperately sought the very face of God more times than I can recall. I have waited on Heaven for divine strategies and specific language to use in shaping the four lives in my care.
One such strategy I have wrestled in the Spirit over has been how to navigate the impact of friendship groups on my individual children.
Whether it be a separation protest at the day care gate or anxious insomnia on a school night, no matter the age, their friends have at times weighed heavy on their hearts and their expectations.
Each time I had a choice to make. Would my child be a victim of mean behaviour, or would they learn compassion, self-respect and confidence through it? When they came home into my arms with hearts broken and heavy hopes, would I fall down with them or would I coach them out and up?
Could I harness their experiences to bring out the champion I have always seen within?
It is remarkable to me the power I hold as a mother, to shape four individuals and how they will one day contribute to society. In every moment I am teaching them who they are and how they contribute to the world.
PURPOSE
The first challenge I faced was reluctance in my kids when it came to attending day care, children’s church and school.
One night it dawned on me that my child was acting out of either fear or insecurity. I realised that these were both debilitating and self-focused emotions. I realised that the adult versions of these kind of emotions would leave them settling for less than what their potential truly was.
My child lacked purpose.
I remember wondering just how responsive a child could be to purpose, and whether it could change their approach to a social setting.
Do young children have the capacity to comprehend a sense of purpose, and could that purpose spark confidence?
I sat with my small child and reminded her that God had a plan for her every day.
“Maybe there is another kid in class tomorrow who is feeling sad in the play ground and God wants you to be there so that you can walk over and offer to be their friend.”
Her demeanour changed. I watched the concept settle in her mind.
“Maybe God wants you to tell someone how great their painting is tomorrow. Or maybe you can pray for someone who falls over and gets hurt.”
Little cogs turning; calmness taking hold. I watched her focus change from self to the possibility of being an answer in her world.
She was three years old.
This became common language.
“You can be God’s answer at school today”.
When the second child was four-years-old her day care teacher pulled me aside to tell me that the babe had rallied the class in prayer over their teacher’s back pain and she had not felt pain for two weeks.
They began to combat feelings of self-pity with compassion. They would reach out to the lonely, defend the ones being bullied, and befriend the outcasts. They would offer help to teachers.
I was starting to see that compassion was a cure for selfishness
And that purpose was always most inspiring when it helped other people
My children were not only more confident to take ownership of their environments but they were also less focused on themselves. They were becoming contributors.
PERSPECTIVE
Then one day the shoe was on the other foot. Suddenly, out of the blue, they were the outcasts. Yes, bullying had come to our door. The shock on her face, and then the second child too, and then the third. School-yard antics at their finest.
The defensive reaction in me wanted to march down to the school and give them all a piece of my mind; but again I was arrested by an instinct, a question.
Are they victims or can you harness this to grow them into overcomers?
I remember sitting over milkshakes with each one in their individual crisis seasons, and coaching them out of their haze. With compassion as my true north, I was determined to ensure that these targeted attacks would have no negative impact on their confidence and self worth.
“Honey, why would anyone behave in such a mean way? Let me tell you a secret that you need to remember for the rest of your life: Hurt people hurt people. You would never do or say those types of things because you know you are loved, you know God has a plan for your life, and you know that other people are precious. But not everyone knows what you know. Could this person who is being mean to you, actually be hurting deep down?”
It is a journey, let me assure you, but it is one that teaches us all a great deal of compassion, leadership, and self-governance.
We were determined to turn foes into friends. We met with teachers, we drew boundaries across unacceptable behaviour and we established standards.
The Gunsser children will not be treated with disrespect, but they will also hold short accounts, allowing room for reconciliation on healthy terms.
I sat many times with them and defined what a “good friend” looked like. I empowered them to walk away. I taught them not to engage with dysfunction, or return the favour if the favour was bad. We discussed calmness, grace, courage and forgiveness. We talked endlessly about kindness. We talked about reputation. We defined who they wanted to be known as.
I shaped their perspective.
Over more milkshakes at the end of those painful seasons I asked them individually and privately what they had learned.
“I learned that when someone is being mean, it is not really about me. They are hurting inside,” said one.
“I learned that even mean people can be kind if you handle them right,” said the other.
“I walk away and play with someone else if that person is not being a good friend,” said the little guy.
Do I wish I could have spared them the pain? I’m not sure that I do. These lessons will make for some incredible precedents in workplaces some years from now.
POSITIONING
While you can, position your children well. You have the power and the responsibility to surround them with people who will propel them into their future. A snapshot of their future is in the picture of their friends today. They will become who they hang around.
Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Cor 15:33
He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed. Prov 13:20
My husband and I have been missional in selecting the friends and influences in the lives of each of our four children. From mentors to friendship groups, we have been unapologetic in crafting a world that will draw the best out of our children.
Every Wednesday afternoon I host a primary school Life Group in my home. Ten girls all come screaming into my house, I serve a high-tea standard afternoon tea, we do a short bible study and they play. It’s only an hour and a half, but they are probably some of the richest minutes in the week for each of those girls, and for me.
I wanted to choose the friends my children would have.
I wanted to frame their conversation with God at the center. I wanted to set a standard for etiquette and raise well-held young women. I wanted to invest into a group of little girls who would someday become women.
One of the greatest and most practical strategies I have employed in my parenting is that of purposeful positioning.
MUM’S THE WORD.
Hey mums, this gig is a constant investment of time. It is hope-filled conversation, milkshakes, and prayer. It takes a commitment to maintaining a stoic heart, and empowered vision. Don’t rush to defend only. Be more proactive and give them gracious tools to be kind champions in every setting who can stand on their own two feet. You are not raising children. You are raising adults. Do it with the end in mind.
